Helping your Grieving Heart

Alot of the work that I do is in the area of grief and loss. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, www.centerforloss.com, has written several books and journals on healing in grief. In my grief and loss groups, we use his book and companion journal. He also has several books of 100 Practical Ideas in healing …

Some on the list in his Healing your Grieving Heart – 100 Practical Ideas are:

Be compassionate with yourself. “I will be compassionate with myself as I mourn this loss.”

Talk to someone about your loss today.

Reach out to someone who doesn’t try to take your pain away.

Write a list of all your why questions — then find a friend or counselor who will help explore these with you.

Be aware that your grief affects your body, heart, social self and spirit.

Cry.

Write a letter to someone you love.

Pet a pet …

Find a blog that you can read and share your feelings.

The list goes on. If you are grieving a loss in your life, know that you are not alone. Reach out for the support that you need – find a support group, a friend or counselor you can talk to and remember — be compassionate with yourself. Within each of us is the capacity to heal, and in any given moment we do the best that we can.

Some “Love and Logic”

Resilient Solutions, Inc is beginning its first seven week Love and Logic course the morning of Saturday, Sept. 20th. I am learning the principles of the program to be clear, simple, easy to implement, and effective not just in raising responsible children, but in forming and maintaining pleasant and balanced every-day relationships.

My wife and I are having fun implementing love and logic skills and concepts as we are discovering the whirwind of demands, drama, and energy our little little one-and-a-half year boy, Peter, is generating. We are amazed at how quickly the drawers and bookshelves can be emptied, with appliances, books, and clothes strewn across the floors; at how quickly he can have a tight grip on his two month brother’s curly hair and face, how quickly the toilet can be flushed, the shoes can be thrown into the laundry bin, food can be pulled from the countertops which we never thought he could reach, redial can be pushed on the phone, plugs can be pulled from the walls, and pages can be torn out of books. He seems to want to explore and get into everyting that does not look like a toy, as if he is saying, “you can’t fool me with that.” In fact, we wonder if some of the missing toys have ended up in the trash.  At this point this little guy is actually quite endearing to us. But we know that if we don’t start setting certain boundaries and molding behaviors now, we are on the road towards exhaustion, and frustration.

This said, I will share a little success story which involves his binky. After we put Peter in his crib for a nap or for bedtime, it has been his thing to throw his binky out of the crib and shortly thereafter start crying. The high-pitched cry (shrill) has brought us into the room to rescue his binky and stop the noise, at which time he has laid back down. However, this little ritual began to be repeated again five minutes later, and then a little later again. Starting to catch on that there was something deliberate about what he was doing, we decided together that when his binky was dropped and the crying would begin, we would walk into the room, calmy pick up the binky, set it on the shelf, walk out and close the door again. This is when we discovered decibles we had not know before from his lungs. Nevertheless, choosing not to intervene even when the crying would go on for quite some time, perhaps out of mere exhaustion, the crying would weaken and then stop, he then falling asleep.

We were delighted to find that with only several repetitions of this newly designed ritual, we seldom thereafter found the binky on the ground, and if it was on the ground, it would be retrieved in the morning or after the nap. Even more delightful, when lifting him out of the crib after waking up, he would reach for the shelf and voluntarily take his binky out of his mouth and place in on the shelf where we had been placing it, as if that is where it belonged when it was not in the crib. For a little boy who is as attached to his binky as this boy is, we were quite taken back and delighted.

We hope to be able to share similar success stories as time goes on. What we do know from Love and Logic is that this is a good time for the child to experience the consequences of his choices, before the consequences become more severe and less tolerable.

Michael

A Question to Consider

We live in a busy world … with much demands on our time. People with generealized anxiety disorder almost always do more than is necessary, and there is a price in that. Some questions to consider:

How important is it (it being whatever you are racing around so fast to do)?

What are your life values?

Is your energy going to your life values?

Becky, LPC

Self-Defeating Thoughts

Cognitive therapy has indentified specific thought patterns that attack self-esteem and lead to depression. These thought patterns have been learned which means they can be unlearned! The model of cognitive therapy developed by Albert Ellis is simple A (activating or upsetting) event. leads to B (the belief or automatic thought) that we then tell ourselves about T. C is the emotional consequence (feelings such as worthlessness or depression). Many people think A causes C. In reality it is B, our self-talk that has the greater influence. Whenever an upsetting event occurs, automatic thoughts run through our mind. Sometimes they can be distorted or unreasonably negative. These thoughts then affect our moods and our sense of worth. There are thirteen categories … 1. Assuming, 2. Shoulds (musts/oughts), 3. fairy-tale fantasy, 4. all or nothing thinking 5. overgeneralizing, 6. labeling, 7. dwelling on the negative, 8. rejecting the positive, 9. unfavorable comparisons, 10. catastrophizing, 11. personalizing, 12. blaming, 13. Making feelings facts.

Feelings result from our thoughts. If our thoughts are distorted, then our feelings may not reflect reality. When our thoughts become more reasonable, our feelings become brighter.

To catch yourself in one of the above thought distortions, keep a daily thought record. Create a paper with three columns.

First of all: record: The Facts event, impact of event, intensity of your emotions

Analysis of Your thoughts: initial response, thought fallacies, reasonable responses

Now, based upon your thought analysis, rerate how much you believe your initial responses. Then rerate the intensity of your emotions.

Questions? Need further clarification on this exercise? Share your experiences … Next we will explore common core beliefs and how they can be linked to self-dislike and depression.

Self-Esteem, part 2

Some more thoughts to ponder from the workbook by Dr. Glenn Schiraldi, The Self-Esteem Workbook/:

Have you pondered how you feel about your core worth (outside of those external circumstances/events/performance?

Dr. Schiraldi indicates there are two ways to look at human worth: 1. Worth equals externals. 2. Worth is separate from externals.

1. When worth equals externals, self-esteem rises and falls along with events. Example – a high school student can feel worthless when she looks in the mirror and notices her complexion. She feels better when the cute guy says hello — when he doesn’t ask her out she feels depressed. A compliment on her dress = feeling great, a poor performance on her math exam = feels worthless. When worth is in doubt, depression usually follows.
2. when worth is separate from externals, human worth is intrinsic and unchanging. Here we feel bad about events or behaviors (guilt) from feeling bad about the core self (shame). Guilt can be a healthy motivation – condemining the core, however, saps motivation.

Your worth as an individual is there whether you are sleeping or producing. The core worth is more than behavior, position, or any other external. Our challenge is to experience and enjoy that core worth.

John Wooden’s father said to him: You’re as good as anyone, but you’re no better than anyone, and don’t forget it.

Reading this and believing it to the core can be two different things. Our next discussion on self-esteem will be on recognizing and replacing self-defeating thoughts.

Share your thoughts …

Loving and Accepting Ourselves

I will be reviewing the workbook: The Self-Esteem Workbook, by Glenn R. Schiraldi I use in my therapy practice. Please share your ideas and views!!

When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as “rootless and stemless.” We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don’t condemn it as immature and underdeveloped, not do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is (whole) as it is.

Self-dislike is called the invisible handicap. Conversely, self-esteem is highly correlated to overall life satisfaction. Interestingly, the first chapter in this workbook encourages us to take good care of our body to feel better mentally. A simple plan in three areas: aerobic exercise, sleep hygiene, and healthy eating . . we’ll come back to those but a good reminder of the importance of healthy self-care to our bodies!

The foundation of Self-Esteem is 1. unconditional worth, 2. love, and 3. growing. The foundation is unconditional worth and love — without those two . .it is difficult for the growing to begin.

Unconditional Human Worth (Claudia Howard 1992):
1. We all have infinite, internal, eternal, and unconditional worth as persons.
2. All have equal worth as people. Worth is not comparative or competitive. Although you might be better at sports, academics, business, complete more tasks and I might be better in social skills, we both have equal worth as human beings.
3. Externals neither add nor diminish worth. Externals include things like money, looks, performance and achievements. These only increase one’s market or social worth. Worth as a pwerson, however, is inifinite and unchanging.
4. Worth is stable and never in jeopardy (even if someone rejects you)
5. Worth doesn’t have to be earned or proved. It already exists. Just recognize, accept and appreciate it.

A thought to consider? What would you do differently if you believed you had ‘core worth’? Our core is there whether we are sleeping or producing. The core is more than behavior, position, or any other external. Our challenge is to experience and enjoy that core worth.

Within each of us is the capacity to heal

and in any given moment we do the best that we can. In my work as a grief and loss therapist, I find that we are so hard on ourselves in grief. Many clients say — I should be doing more, I should not be so sad, I should be able to ‘get over’ this.

When someone dies, you don’t get over your grief by forgetting, you get through your grief by remembering.

… He who lacks time to mourn, lacks time to mend. (Shakespeare)

If you are grieving, be kind to yourself — it can be exhausting. I am grateful for the privilege to be a ‘companion’ in the journey of grief with my clients.

Becky Andrews, LPC

The therapeutic nature of music

Some of my earliest memories, and perhaps the reason I can recall the memories so well, is that they were associated with music. As a child, I sang in a children’s choir and had the opportunity to sing  to the vaulted ceilings of a Cathedral which would echo what seemed to be the reply of angels. There are few experiences that have impacted me more than theis. I have since grown in my appreciation for and relationship with music. As I have studied to be able to define music in therapeutic terms. I have come to recognize that music is a universal language that crosses all barriers. It embraces the full range of human emotions, emotions that words cannot fully express. Music is non-invasive in that it provides opportunity for self-expression and communication in a non-threatening way. I have discovered that music provides access to human emotions in a manner that words alone do not, and the impact of music on altering thoughts, moods, and emotions is often immediate and readily apparent. Music stimulates whole-brain processing. It follows that music affects multiple domains of human functioning simultaneoulsy. With this said, it becomes easy to see that music can be wonderfully healing. We can use it, and use it more, it being a natural and important part of who we are. 

Michael

Dear Mom

The following unsent letter was written by a client to empower herself to move forward with this difficult issue many clients face. Thanks for letting me share.

Dear Mom,

Henry Ward Beecher once said, “What a Mother sings to the cradle goes all the way down to the coffin.” 

Of course,  we know this to be true.  There are many great things you have taught me how to share, how to be friends with others, what kind of flowers to plant in my yard, how to set a table properly, all this and more — not to mention the moral and ethical things that a child should be taught to grow into a contributing member of society.  Yes, you have taught me many, many things.  However,  the lesson that affects me the most at this point in my life is one that was taught almost inadvertently.  It springs from motherly concern and has grown into a twisted deception with a mind and motive of its own.  It whispers in my ear that I am not the vision of loveliness.  I should be and how dare I settle for who I am This lesson is damaging and discouraging.  It belittles me and mocks m.  It tells me that I am less of a person because my body isn’t petite and it snarls through perfectly white and polished teeth that though I am many good things, because I am not thin, I am nothing special. 

I understand your generation – it seems to be the generation of appearance. The idea is that if everything “looks” good then it must “be” good and if you put on a brave face that there really isn’t anything wrong. Your generation believes in not talking about the despair or sadness or challenges you may fact because that would imply all is not well. Appearance is everything. Look perfect, be perfect. For you it must have been painful to have daughters who were not the epitome of physical perfection. We were fat. What must that have looked like to outsiders? I can’t imagine the kinds of feelings you must have had to say some of the things that you did to us. Oh, you meant well . . it was motivated by love ..; but the message it sent me came through loud and clear and ecchoes in my ears to this very day. When I look at my own daughter, all of 12 years old. and see the way her body is changing, i see her through your eyes and it makes me sick to my stomach. I made a promise to myself the day she was born that I would never talk with her about her weight unless she addressed the subject first. I wouldn’t use it against her. When we buy clothes I realize that when I was her age I was her pants size and I remember thinking there was something wrong with me ifr I had to wear clothes that big. I look at it not and there was nothing “big” about it. She is perfect just the way she is.

I am not defined by the circumference of my waist, nor am I confined by the little number on the tags inside my clothing.  Simply put, I am me.  I am who I am . . and I happen to know that I am worth so much more tham the labels and images that you have projected on me for years.  I have talents that go beyond anyting I could have ever hoped for and yet I know that I am capable of nurturing them and sharing them with others.  I can sing, I can write, I can dance and act.  I have a good mind that can think and articulate.  I have a sense of humor and a love for laughter.  I can play sports.  I can run and ride a bicycle and interact with my children.  I have social and business capabilities that have given me the chance to serve on director’s boards and as chairwoman and co-chair of very visible committees.  I am a mother and a wife and a friend.  I am trying to make a difference in the world.  I am a good daughter, ready to help take care of you and dad as you grow older.  You are never alone on holidays because I make sure,l sometimes at the expense of my sanity and that of my family, that we go out of our way to visit you.  I love the gospel and have a testimony of it and am raising a family in the truth.  I have served a mission and married in the temple.  Unbeknownst to you,. I am returning to school in the fall to pursue a degree.  All of these thngs — and so many more — are things that I am and none of them are tied to my weight.  All of these things, however, are tied to you and the way you raised me and nurtured me.  I wouldnt be any of these things without you.  My weight should’t be an issue because it isn’t important.  The way it becomes important is how it taints all of the good things I can do and hampers my efforts to be the kind of person I know I can be and was meant to be. 

I am a daughter of God.  What I am in His eyes is not contingent on my weight, nor will it ever be.  He sees me the way I truly am and loves me for it.  My husband loves me for who I am and has never once in 14 years of marriage, made my weight an issue.  My children love me.  To them I am beautiful because I love them and they are mine.  My friends are supportive and good to me.  I have such a blessed life despite what I hav been lead to believeI have looked like for so long.  Nothing has been kept from me because of my body.  Plenty has been kept  from me because of what “I think” of my body and that began when I was just a little girl.

My body is a gift and has done some pretty miraculous things.  It is strong and good and capable.  I will be committed to eating and exercising for health and not vanity.  To be a stronger and thriving individual to bless the lives  of my family and others. 

This has been a difficult letter to write, it has been tough to put things into words.  And now that I’m done I think I’ll celebrate with a large order of . .gratitude and a side order of relief. 

Love, Your Daughter

 

Boundaries

Boundaries define us as individuals.  A boundary can clarify expectations and needs from one individual to another.  In the book “Boundaries – when to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life” by  Henry Cloud and John Townsend, it says   that “any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries.  We need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives.”

In my experience with individuals establishing healthy boundaries gives individuals a sense of personal power  which allows them to live happier lives.  Hopefully, we can work to better understand what our personal boundaries need to  be in order to live happier lives.

– Lisa Bradford